


Entryway

by Borderlinemediocre



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe, Anal Sex, Blowjobs, Drug Use, M/M, Mental Illness, Minor Character Death, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Self Harm, Thoughts of Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-07
Updated: 2020-03-07
Packaged: 2021-02-25 20:39:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21701578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Borderlinemediocre/pseuds/Borderlinemediocre
Summary: “I’ve missed you.”Charlie doesn’t think a single sentence should be able to take him apart, but it does. He absolutely despises himself right now. For ever leaving Zee’s apartment, months ago or last night. For getting so thin and frail, for using and cutting and drinking and sleeping around. Zee lifts his face up by the chin and smiles, calm and reassuring.“Let’s go home.“
Relationships: Zdeno Chara/Charlie McAvoy
Kudos: 45





	1. Was never much but we made the most

Charlie’s standing in Zee’s entryway, soaking wet and freezing. He hasn’t alerted anyone that he’s here; he stole a key long ago and lets himself in when he needs a break from the cold, a break from everything. He stands there, rain dripping off every part of him, head in his hands. He’s made a lot of life-changing decisions in this tiny hallway. At least they felt like that at the time. It doesn’t feel like another turning point tonight though, it feels like defeat.

He looks around through his fingers, unable to pry his hands from his face for the time being. His nose is too cold. The old brass umbrella stand is still there, the big matching mirror forcing him to catch a glimpse of his current state. His hair has gotten too long, sticking to his forehead and cheeks. He hooks a finger in his mouth and checks out his teeth, looks closely at his eyes. He can’t remember the last time he looked in a mirror, and it makes him want to cry.

He crouches down to rest on his heels, back against the wall. He rolls up the sleeves of his clingy black sweater and tries to determine if he could go in and see Zee without talking about his newer track marks and scars. He has trouble when he sees Zee. His presence makes him want to get rid of his past, his thoughts, his clothes. To start fresh. He thinks like that at night when he’s looking up at the moon through the skylight in Zee’s bedroom and it seems easy. He can wake up and start again. The morning, though, makes things complicated. It takes away his drive, his determination to change. He tends to feel a lot older than twenty-one when that happens.  
He realizes he’s too raggedy looking, too unclean to face Zee tonight.

He walks back out the door and locks it, tempted to leave his key behind. He’s sick of trying to be better, sick of himself. He wants to just go end it for good. Then he sees Zee’s dumb bicycle by the front door, and he knows he can’t go through with it. He can’t let him down like that.

He ends up sleeping a few blocks away at a shelter, clutching his violin as always. He’s gotten shit from pretty much everyone for keeping that fucking thing, spending any money he gets on keeping it alive. He’s had it restrung, fixed the neck when some other homeless dude tried to steal it. He doesn’t carry a wallet or a phone, just the violin.

֍

He wakes up bleary-eyed, but at least the previous night he didn’t make some stupid resolution to change; it saves him some disappointment in the morning. He decides to play a little in the subway for breakfast money. His usual appearance doesn’t garner much sympathy but when he plays, he gets mostly positive attention and a few bucks.

He’s on his second song, eyes cast down, when he feels a hand on his shoulder. He’s used to weirdos touching him, so he doesn’t think anything of it. He’s zoned out anyway. “Charlie?” He hears between notes and looks up to see Zee towering over him. He looks back down, sick and ashamed, only missing a couple notes. He hasn’t seen Zee for months and this is not how he wanted it to go. He wanted to be clean, in every sense of the word. Wanted to come to Zee’s place with his shit together, his nighttime optimism more permanent.

He ends the song early, puts his violin down and starts to cry. Zee pulls him in for a hug and he cries harder, knowing full well that he must fucking reek. He hasn’t had human contact like this in months either. He’s had his fair share of random hookups but not just a fucking hug. He clings onto Zee for dear life.

“I’ve missed you.”

Charlie doesn’t think a single sentence should be able to take him apart, but it does. He absolutely despises himself right now. For ever leaving Zee’s apartment, months ago or last night. For getting so thin and frail, for using and cutting and drinking and sleeping around. Zee lifts his face up by the chin and smiles, calm and reassuring.

“Let’s go home.”

֍

Charlie has trouble getting past the entryway again, even with Zee holding his hand. “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. I don’t deserve to go in anymore. I can’t.” He says, tears forming in his eyes. He’s holding onto the doorway for dear life, knuckles white. Zee brings a chair out to him along with some water and a snack. Charlie eats and drinks in silence, breathing slowing. The larger man rubs his back, his hand feeling like a lifeline Charlie didn’t know he needed.

It’s a lot different being here in the daytime. The hallway is bright, morning light still filtering in, and it makes all the brass shine. For the first time in a long time he has a fleeting feeling of hope. It’s gone as quickly as it came, but it felt good.  
Zee eventually coaxes him through the door and into the living room. “I don’t want to sit, I’m so fucking gross. I can’t sit, please.” Charlie’s still somewhat in panic mode so Zee leads him to the shower. He starts it, leaves towels and soap and clean clothes out, and they hug again. “I’ve missed you.” Zee says mostly into Charlie’s hair. “So, so much. Beautiful boy.” Charlie’s heart races, and he has no idea how he’s lucky enough to have someone love him even in these moments.

Zee leaves him to shower and he takes about an hour to scrub the weeks away. He washes his hair four times, grabs some scissors to randomly chop the length off where it’s hitting his eyes. He soaps up and rinses off over and over, and it’s only when Zee comes to check on him that he realizes he’s totally zoned out.

“Please Zee, come in with me. Want you to wash my hair like you used to.”

Zee can’t even pretend to resist, stripping down quickly to get in. After he pours shampoo into his hands, he realizes that Charlie’s hair is squeaky clean already, not to mention shorter. He works it in anyway.

Charlie groans at Zee’s hands on his scalp and feels his tension melting away, if only for a little bit. Their eyes are locked, hearts racing and eyes scanning each other’s faces. “Feel clean now, baby boy?” Charlie shakes his head slowly, suddenly remembering the marks all over his arms. He pulls away and winces at his own stupidity.

“Charlie, I saw your arms already. It’s ok, you don’t have to hide.” Zee reaches out to hold his hand. “Do you know how much I love you? Nothing you could do would change that.”

Charlie’s head is spinning, but he lets Zee dry him off and clean up his wounds. He has so many older scars that it’s almost hard to figure out where the new cuts are. Zee stays silent about it, cleaning and bandaging until Charlie’s basically wearing a cast. “My sweet boy. Let me take you to breakfast.”

“It’s still breakfast time?”

֍

“When’s the last time you used, Charlie?”

The question would enrage him if it came from anyone else. But Zee asks without judgement, without anger. “Few days ago.” He says quietly, ashamed. “How’d you pay for it?” Zee asks, holding Charlie’s hand over the table. Charlie closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He absolutely hates admitting that he sucked some random dude’s dick for it. But it’s usually the case. “I touched someone.” Is all he can manage to get out. Zee gets a twinge of anger towards anyone who would take advantage of Charlie like that. He looks a bit rough right now, but Zee knows there’s a sweet baby face under there somewhere, a scared kid.

They continue in relative silence after that, Charlie eating like it’s the end of the world. He’s already on his second plate of pancakes, ordering more bacon and sausage. Zee laughs so he doesn’t cry.

“You’ll stay with me tonight?” Zee asks, and Charlie hesitates. He doesn’t want to do it all again- staying with Zee, feeling great, promising to get clean, then fucking it all up in the worst way possible when he’s out of Zee’s sight. He doesn’t know if either of them can take it again. “I don’t know. I want to. I want you.” Charlie’s eyes are locked on Zee’s, lust taking over the hesitation he had moments ago. He finally has some energy to even get horny thanks to his massive breakfast. He feels a rush, breathing harder, wanting to run home with Zee and fuck until they’re forced to sleep from exhaustion. “I want you.” He says again, moving his feet under the table to rub at the larger man’s legs, moving farther up by the second.

Zee thinks idly that most people in the restaurant probably think they’re a weirdly touchy father and son pair. Charlie’s six feet but Zee’s taller, all lean muscle and intimidating to outsiders. Then there’s the age difference; Zee’s currently exactly twice Charlie’s age. “I want you too. Want to feel you.” Zee replies, and while his sex drive isn’t quite that of a twenty-one-year-old, he hasn’t seen Charlie in so long he’s quickly approaching the younger man’s level. He doesn’t bother counting the money he throws on the table before they head back home.

֍

Zee suggests that they go in through the back door when he remembers Charlie’s issues with the front. The back door is conveniently adjacent to Zee’s bedroom so that’s where they land, all intertwined limbs and deep kisses. Zee has an endless stream of praise for Charlie, who soaks it in like a sponge. He lays the smaller man out, getting him undressed, fawning over his tiny body. He won’t verbally express his concerns about how thin Charlie has gotten, but the worry is nagging at him.

Nonetheless, Charlie looks perfect as always in his own fucked up way. He has a few random tattoos from the street, a few too many bruises and marks. Zee ignores them all, kissing every inch he can get to before taking Charlie in his mouth. Charlie’s moaning, music to Zee’s ears. He’s slowly bobbing up and down when one tattoo on Charlie’s hip does stand out to him.

“Is that a Z?”

Charlie blushes. “Yeah, for you. Wanted you on me forever.” Zee moves up the bed and kisses Charlie again, long and slow, tears forming in his eyes. The fact that Charlie thinks of him even when he’s high enough to let a random person tattoo him is almost too much to process. “I love you, Charlie.”

“I love you too, Zee.”

֍

To Charlie’s delight, they do indeed fuck until they fall asleep. Charlie wakes up and it’s 6pm, a weird time for him. He listens to his gut and wakes Zee before he can do anything stupid while he’s unsupervised.

“Zee, I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I’m so sorry.” He repeats himself a few more times with his arms wrapped around Zee’s neck. Zee’s just woken up so he’s a bit confused. Charlie has the tendency to switch onto new topics very quickly, leaving everyone else playing catch up. He just shushes him and rubs his back until he calms down, which happens a bit faster than it did this morning. “Please, can I taste you? I’ll be so good, I promise.” His breathing has slowed but the urgency is still in his voice. Zee sighs.

“Charlie, you know that I make love to you because I love you, right? Not in exchange for anything, not to make myself feel good. It’s because I love you, and it’s a nice way to express that. You don’t have to be ‘good’ for me, you don’t need to promise anything. You don’t owe me anything.” Zee’s words are quiet and reassuring, coaxing Charlie back to earth. Sometimes Zee’s words feel like a crutch, the only thing propping him up. He looks desperately into his eyes in these moments to try to sap some of the confidence, the hope that Zee has for him.

֍

A few days later Zee has to go to work. Charlie’s panicking, pacing alone in the apartment. He’s in the kitchen looking at all the different sized knives, wondering which would be the quickest. He almost pities himself for being so helpless, so dependent. But he’s been clean for almost a week and not really by choice. He could either go find one of his hookups on the street or kill himself. Those are the options he sees, his mind filtering out every other possibility.

He decides to go with the former since the latter would make Zee too sad. He wanders out and finds one of his dealers quickly, the pair sneaking into a back alley.

֍

He walks, doesn’t stop until his legs give out. He sits by the river that runs through the city and lays down only to realize it’s dark out. What he really realizes is that he doesn’t know what day it is or how long he’s been walking. He falls asleep like that, spread out on the grass, vulnerable.

He wakes up in a panic- he doesn’t have his violin. He’s not sure if he left it at Zee’s or somewhere else, but he starts trying to retrace his steps before it registers that he doesn’t remember a fucking thing. He gets angrier and angrier, yelling to himself and worrying the people walking by. Eventually someone calls the cops on him and he ends up being pushed into a jail cell, still fuming.

The cops had been rough with him and searched him a little too thoroughly. He didn’t have a single thing on him, so they said they’d just put him in with the drunks until he calmed down. All he can hear is his pulse too loud, thundering through his ears. He takes a few minutes to remember the song that reminds him of Zee, the one that always calms him down. He closes his eyes and hums it, fists clenched.

֍

“You have someone that can pick you up?” The cop asked, assuming the answer would be no. Charlie hesitates, unsure if he should call Zee. They had a great few days, and unsurprisingly he fucked it up royally. “No.”

֍

After what Charlie presumes are a few weeks, he finds himself in the hospital. This time he made the mistake of punching some guy who grabbed his ass. He should have just let it go, but he was fed up. He has a nasty black eye and a few broken fingers, a couple bruised ribs. He feels ok but starts to panic, starts to need Zee.

He asks the nurse to call him and Zee races to the hospital as fast as humanly possible, running all the red lights. He’s afraid every day that he’s not with Charlie that he’ll get this call.  
He gets to Charlie’s room and tears form in his eyes immediately. Charlie looks so banged up and even thinner than before. “My poor baby boy, who did this?”

“I don’t know. I hit him first. He touched me.”

“I’m so sorry Charlie, I should have been there. You’re not leaving my sight again.”

“I’m such an idiot Zee, I missed you so much. I can’t do this anymore; I don’t want to be here anymore.”

“I can take you home as soon as they let me.”

“Not here at the hospital, I don’t wanna be a person anymore Zee. There’s no fucking point. I fuck everything up every time I’m given a chance. I wish that guy had killed me.” Charlie’s sobbing, and Zee’s holding back his own sobs, opting to cry silently instead. He lays in the hospital bed with Charlie, cuddling him as close as possible, rocking them both back and forth. Zee repeats “I love you” over and over in his boy’s ear until Charlie falls asleep. He hasn’t slept in days and is still drunk, so he goes out hard.

Eventually Zee sneaks away to talk to the doctors. He knows Charlie will be livid, but he has to tell them about what he said. He thinks that if he’s in a mental hospital for a while it will help him recover, maybe for good this time. He’s been in and out of them before, but Zee has to hold on to some hope.

֍

That night Charlie’s dreams are more like flashbacks and his mind goes to years ago when he first met Zee. The older man was teaching violin out of his house, Charlie his little prodigy. Charlie came from an extremely broken home and Zee’s house was like paradise. Quiet and cozy, Zee guiding his hands and humming in his ear. He went to lessons for years, never missing a week.

When he was a teenager, though, things started to get even worse at home. His new stepdad abused him, and he was absolutely terrified to tell anyone. He wouldn’t see Zee for months at a time and it made him miserable, like he was missing a part of him. He became withdrawn at his infrequent lessons and Zee could tell.

He was 16 when he showed up with a black eye and Zee demanded to know who did it. After hours of talking, Charlie finally revealed what his stepdad had been doing. Zee held him all night, wiping away his tears. Charlie moved in after that, but it was too late. He had already started using to cope, and he would leave the sanctuary of Zee’s house to go meet up with his dealers.

֍

He wakes up to Zee looking at him, concern etched into every line in his face.

“Good morning sweet boy. I love you.” Charlie smiles and it hurts, remembering that his lip split open last night too. Panic sets in again when he remembers for the hundredth time. “Zee, oh my god, I don’t have my violin. Where is it? Do you have it?”

“I’m sorry Charlie, I don’t.”

Charlie starts wailing, pounding his fists on the bed. It’s like every time he remembers that it’s gone it hurts as bad as the first time he realized it. Zee strokes his hair, quietly shushing him, knowing he was bound to lose it sooner or later.  
He waits a while to break the news to Charlie that he’s on suicide watch, and few more hours to tell him that he’s being admitted to the mental hospital next door.

Charlie fights tooth and nail the whole way, Zee gently restraining him. He won’t stop crying, flailing around to get out. He just wants to run away and finally be brave enough to end it once and for all.

֍

Once he’s safely in the bed next door, Zee holds his hand until they make him leave. He isn’t allowed visitors for a bit while he detoxes, and then Zee can see him again. “Be good for me, I know you can. I’ll be back soon.”

“Love you.” Charlie’s voice is weak, reaching out towards his love.

“Love you too, little one.”

֍

The next few days for Zee are hell. He feels bad, like he shouldn’t complain when he’s free to be home and sleep in his own bed while Charlie’s stuck in a hospital bed. He decides to write a few letters to Charlie while he’s waiting to visit. He may never read them, but he needs to detail his feelings, get them out on paper. How he’s loved him since he was a little boy, knew he was special. How he never thought he would love anyone the way he loves him.

He flashes back to one lesson, after Charlie had lived with him for a couple years. Their ‘lessons’ weren’t that anymore- Charlie was so talented he really just played for Zee, eyes closed, slowly moving around the room. Those little performances are some of Zee’s fondest memories.

This lesson though, Charlie was a little off, approaching everything differently. He was timid, cheeks tinted pink.

“Everything ok Charlie?”

Charlie had looked up at him with big eyes, chubby cheeks- stubborn baby fat that refused to leave even after 18 years.

“I love you.”

Zee took a breath. He knew there was love between them, but Charlie’s eyes were telling him it was a lot more than that. “I love you too.” Zee had blurted out, wanting to stop himself but unable to. Charlie surged forward into a kiss, jumping up into the larger man’s arms. His arms were around Zee’s neck and it felt like he would never let go.

Flash forward three years and Zee has never been more terrified of losing his boy. He’d never seen Charlie so serious about wanting to off himself. Seeing the dread in his eyes was almost too much to take in, and he felt helpless. He knows that Charlie needs more help, more guidance, but most of all more discipline. Maybe he can’t keep letting him do as he pleases, as much as he doesn’t want to become an authority figure to him. It might be naive, but he just wants to be his love.

֍

After what feels like weeks, he can finally visit. He walks into Charlie’s room and almost cries, a common theme for him lately. The younger man’s cheeks are starting to get chubby again, his wounds healing nicely. He even has a little smile on, reading a book. He sees Zee and jumps up, running into his arms as fast as possible. They kiss for a while and Zee puts him down, smiling so much it hurts. “You look great, Charlie. How do you feel?” “Like it’s been eight days too long since I kissed you.” Charlie says with a smile, kissing Zee again.

He stays as long as he can, a while after visiting hours are over. The nurse was kind and let him stay late, cuddled up close to his boy, littering him with kisses. But when her shift ends he heads out, promising to be back first thing in the morning.  
Charlie cries when Zee leaves. Seeing him is always a rollercoaster, but he feels more positive emotions than negative for once. He cries because of how sweet his love is, how amazing the older man’s touch makes him feel. Only a small portion of the tears are reserved for his own self-hatred, his nagging regret that he’s fucked up so much of the last few years; years he could have been happy with Zee.


	2. Make a plan to love me

The day before Charlie’s discharged Zee shows up early, excited.  
  
“I can’t wait to take you home. But I wanted to go somewhere else first.” He says softly.  
  
The younger man looks at him expectantly, eyes wide.  
  
“I thought we could go to the Cape for a few days, just the two of us.” Zee says, just the tiniest bit afraid that Charlie won’t be into the idea.  
  
“Really?” Charlie asks, face lighting up.  
  
“Yeah, you’ve been so good, I’m not gonna take my hands off you for one second.”  
  
Zee’s words send a shiver up Charlie’s spine and he surges forward for a kiss, their tongues sliding together.  
  
“Promise?” Charlie asks, barely breaking their kiss, lips almost touching.  
  
“Promise.”

֍

As soon as they get to their rental they walk out to the balcony, taking in the view and the calmness of the ocean. Zee’s ready to pounce though, and doesn’t hesitate.  
  
He stands behind Charlie at the railing, pressing his length into the younger man’s lower back. He’s in his ear, telling him in great detail what he’s in for, how he’s waited for this moment- Charlie all to himself, no distractions.  
  
They make love just like that, Charlie gripping the railing, blood pumping faster when he thinks about all the people that could potentially see him getting fucked. It’s almost sensory overload, such a sharp contrast to being in the hospital for so long.

  
The rest of the day goes like that- christening all the surfaces in their flat, breaking only for food and water, and Charlie worries he’s dreaming.

֍

They swim on day two, Charlie sporting a new bathing suit Zee bought him. They find a somewhat secluded spot, Charlie swimming for most of it while Zee lays out. Zee thinks that he could watch Charlie play in the waves forever.  
  
Forever is cut short though, when the younger man suggests they walk downtown to get some food. They stop at every thrift store along the way, earning smiles from strangers when they laugh, Charlie parading out of the dressing rooms in the most ridiculous possible outfits.  
  
This is the Charlie that Zee remembers; fun, playful, giggly. He feels the moments stretch out in his mind, like his brain is refusing to let each one go until he gets another laugh, another smile.  
  
They finally make it to a little place on the pier where they pay too much for a couple lobster rolls.  
  
“Forty bucks?! That should be illegal.” Charlie’s incredulous, although he doesn’t let the teenage cashier hear it.  
  
“It’s for the experience, Charlie. The ambiance.” Zee gestures vaguely around at the ocean, pulling some cash out of his wallet.  
  
Charlie eyes the single picnic bench the little shack has provided, filled with too many screaming kids to count. “So upscale.”  
  
Zee hands both sandwiches to Charlie and picks him up bridal style, escorting him to the end of the dock. “Listen, little one. We’re at the ocean, we have lobster, and we’re gonna sit here and watch the sunset and it’s gonna be romantic as hell.” They’re both laughing again, Charlie still in Zee’s arms.

֍

That night, despite their best efforts, the first crack forms. Zee figured Charlie would have his moments on this trip; he just didn’t think they would start so soon.  
  
They’re cuddled up in bed, and Charlie insisted that he could handle just trying to sleep; no television or music to distract him. He had wanted to be present.  
  
He sits up in bed breathing hard, fingers curled in on themselves. His face is going numb, and he wants to tell Zee that he’s sorry but he can’t.  
  
He’s had this same panic attack countless times, just never in such a serene and perfect setting. It makes him think there really is something fundamentally wrong with him, that no matter what he does he’ll always feel fucked up, out of place.  
  
Zee sits up as well and rubs his back through the sobs, humming their song once he’s quieted down enough to hear it. He comes back down slowly and can already feel the red dots forming on the skin around his eyes. This kind of panic makes him close his eyes so tightly that he breaks the capillaries in his eyelids. In the moment he thinks if he can close them tightly enough he can will himself out of existence.  
  
He slumps back into Zee’s chest once he’s cried out, mumbling barely audible ‘sorry’s, eyes closed.  
  
“No sorry’s. Beautiful boy.” Charlie’s mind is still hazy but he thinks that Zee is like the cellar in a storm, the only thing keeping him safe. He swoons, eyes still closed, body exhausted.

֍

They go to a proper sit down dinner the next night, both opting for suits. Zee can’t remember the last time he saw Charlie dressed up; he looks more put together than he’s ever seen him.  
  
“So handsome.” Zee says, straightening the younger man’s tie. Charlie’s hair is a little long again but styled now, a couple pieces falling sweetly in his face.  
  
Dinner goes too quickly- they’re seated overlooking the ocean, and it’s late enough that all the stars are visible. Zee notices Charlie staring up at them.  
  
“You know the constellations?”  
  
“Not really. Can’t remember them.” Charlie says, eyes still scanning the sky.  
  
“That one’s the Big Dipper.” Zee says softly, pointing up and tracing it with his finger. “That’s Orion’s Belt.” Charlie looks over at Zee, heart full. He never hesitates to educate his boy, still using the same gentle tone Charlie remembers from his childhood.  
  
They head back to their flat hand in hand, taking in the warm breeze, the smell of the ocean.  
  
Zee catches Charlie in the bedroom before he gets undressed, his tie off and top button open. He looks grown up. He decides now is as good a time as any, and leads Charlie to sit down on the bed.  
  
“I have something for you.” He says, rifling through his suitcase. He pulls out a black violin case with a big red bow attached.  
  
“It’s not the one I gave you when you were younger, but i think this one is better. It’s new, ready for new songs.”  
  
Charlie opens the case and his eyes go wide. It’s beautiful, shiny new. He picks it up and examines it, Zee watching with a smile.  
  
He takes a second to tune it then plays, a song he’s been turning over in his mind since he played last- before he lost his old violin. Zee sits on the chair beside the bed and he’s transported back in time, back when things were a bit easier and Charlie would play for him all the time. The younger man moves around the room just the same, eyes closed. Zee falls in love again, the same feeling he felt the first time Charlie kissed him.  
  
He finishes and smiles at Zee, pulling him out of his seat for a kiss. “Thank you Zee, so much. I can’t-“ he starts to cry a bit, trying to keep it together. “I don’t deserve you.”  
  
“You’re all I want Charlie, it’s always been you. Just you.” They’re kissing, Zee reasserting his love in between. “I want you, need you.”  
  
“You need me?” Charlie asks, their faces inches apart. Zee nods, raises his eyebrows like it’s obvious and Charlie feels lightheaded.

֍

“I can’t sleep, can we go out?” Charlie’s filled with energy, drumming his fingers on the bed.  
  
“Out where? It’s two in the morning.” Zee had been trying to sleep, not bothering to open his eyes to reply.  
  
“I saw this bakery downtown that stays open late. I need something sweet. Please?”  
  
Fearing another panic attack if he doesn’t keep Charlie stimulated, Zee obliges. He thinks briefly that maybe he shouldn’t, maybe he should set some limits and boundaries. But when Charlie asks nicely it’s almost impossible to tell him no.  
  
“Why are there so many people out right now?” Zee asks, still rubbing the tired out of his eyes.  
  
“It’s Saturday night.” Charlie replies as they both pause to let a stream of drag queens file out of a club.  
  
“You miss partying?”  
  
Charlie takes a look at the crowd around them, then a long look at Zee. “No. Miss you.” He says and they kiss, earning some drunken “aww”s and whistles from the bystanders.  
  
They make it to the bakery and it’s strangely quiet inside, a single worker behind the counter. Charlie sees chocolate covered bacon and immediately orders two slices.  
  
“Charlie that’s gross.”  
  
“How is it gross?! Bacon? Good. Chocolate? Good.” He’s talking with his mouth full and even the overtired cashier has to laugh.  
  
He orders a few more sweets to take back to their rental, Zee handing him all the cash he needs. Charlie might be overindulging a bit but it’s been nice to see the younger man gain some weight back, so he doesn’t say anything. Just watches him take his to-go bag and grab Zee’s hand, happily marching them back to bed.

֍

On their last day Charlie really, desperately doesn’t want to go home. He’s comfortable at Zee’s but he knows going back means Zee goes back to work, and Charlie isn’t sure he’s prepared to be alone. It makes him cry just thinking about it on the drive back.  
  
“Charlie, I’m not gonna leave you alone if you’re not ready. I’ll take a couple days and we can figure something out. Maybe you can get a job. There’s a cafe next to my work that’s had a help wanted sign up for a while.”  
  
Charlie stays silent for a while, contemplating his options. He was sort of hoping that Zee would just retire early and they’d spend 24/7 together, but this could work too. Although he hasn’t had a job in a while and the thought makes him nervous. Waking up early every morning and staying presentable aren’t exactly his strong suits.  
  
After a while Zee back tracks a bit, worried he’s upset Charlie. “I didn’t mean you need to get a job, you know I’ll support you. I just thought maybe it’d be good to get out in a positive way. You could also volunteer, it’s up to you. Love you.”  
  
Charlie’s tears have mostly dried and he grabs Zee’s hand. “Love you too. Thanks, I’ll try for that cafe job. Just promise you’ll get your coffee from me every morning.”  
  
Charlie’s words have Zee beaming. Months ago Charlie was exactly zero percent stable enough to even apply for a job.

֍

The next day they both wake up early and Charlie wants to go apply at the coffee shop, but realizes he still has almost no clothes.  
  
“This is bullshit, I still feel like a fucking homeless jackass. I don’t have anything I can wear to apply, let alone to a job every day. I can’t fucking do anything.” Charlie’s spiraling, head in his hands.  
  
“Remember how to get through moments like this?” Zee asks, trying to get him to remember all the therapy he’s been through lately. They both know he has at least a few coping mechanisms; the problem is remembering to use them.  
  
“Yeah, yeah.” Charlie’s eyes are closed tight, thinking of how to get himself back. “Ok, I’ll be ok. We’ll go get some clothes and I can get more once I have a job. I’m not homeless, not a jackass. At least I’m trying. I can do this.”  
  
“Exactly right, little one. Let’s go.”

֍

They make it to the coffee shop that afternoon, and Zee makes Charlie go in alone. “Don’t want them thinking you need your dad with you at this age.”  
  
“You’re not my dad!” Charlie yells somewhat dramatically, but goes in alone anyway.  
  
He comes out a while later looking defeated. “They’ll call me.” He uses air quotes around ‘call’ and rolls his eyes, already walking back towards home.

֍

A few days and one call back later, Charlie’s getting dressed for his first day of work. It’s five in the morning and he’s less than thrilled.  
  
“How the hell do you get up so early every day?” He’s trying to rub the tired out of his eyes, voice incredibly wrecked.  
  
“You’ll get used to it.”  
  
“Walk me to work?”  
  
Zee internally rolls his eyes at himself and his inability to say no to Charlie. “Of course.”

֍

Zee’s pretty much unable to focus at work later, his mind stuck in a loop of all the possible worst case scenarios. What if one of Charlie’s dealers comes in and sees him? What if he gets stressed at work and leaves looking for one of them? He has to remember one of Charlie’s coping techniques to calm down.  
  
He stops at the cafe after work to walk Charlie home. He walks in and is instantly relieved to see his boy laughing with his new coworkers. He watches him for a bit- how a few tattoos poke out from his sleeves and collar, his cheeks when he smiles. He suddenly doesn’t blame himself for not being able to say no to the kid.  
  
“Zee!! I missed you. You want a coffee?” Charlie asks, in the middle of taking off his apron.  
  
“Missed you too. No thanks, just thought we could walk home together.”  
  
That gets some “aww”s from Charlie’s new coworkers from behind the counter. Zee introduces himself and feels a little out of place; from the looks of it they’re all Charlie’s age or younger.  
  
Charlie kisses him though, making him forget their age difference, as well as the fact that they have a little bit of an audience.

֍

The following weeks go a lot like that, the pair walking to and from work together every day, and Zee’s amazed at how stable they’ve managed to keep things.  
  
Today is Sunday, though, which means Charlie making breakfast. He’s taken to cooking lately and likes to experiment, tentatively presenting his new dishes every few days.  
  
He’s cooking away when Zee gets a call from an unknown number. He would usually just ignore calls like this but something compels him to answer.  
  
“Is this Zee?”  
  
Zee’s stomach drops. It’s Charlie’s mother. Zee only knows her as a bigoted alcoholic, to put it nicely. Charlie was already out of her house when he came out but she still found ways to punish him for it. She took all the money from his bank account, told their whole family that he hated and abandoned her.  
  
“Yes.” Zee says through clenched teeth.  
  
“Are you still- do you know where Charlie is?” She knows he recognizes her voice, presumably from the anger in his.  
  
“Why?”  
  
“I’ll take that as a yes. His father died. The wake is Tuesday. Can you relay that message?”  
  
Her voice is sickly sweet but it doesn’t hide the condescending tone. Zee peeks around the corner to make sure Charlie’s not listening. “His real father?” His voice is whisper-quiet.  
  
“Yes, no need to whisper. He won’t give a shit. Never did.”  
  
“Don’t pretend like you know him.”

“Fag.”  
  
She hangs up at that, and Zee’s almost shaking with anger. Almost, but he really, desperately doesn’t want to let Charlie know what’s going on. At least not yet. He’s been doing so well, going to work every day and gaining weight. He peeks into the kitchen again and the younger man is wrapping breakfast up, getting everything on a couple plates. Zee decides to preserve their peace for at least a couple more hours.  
  
They enjoy breakfast for a while and take a walk afterwards at Zee’s request. He read somewhere that you should break bad news to people in a location they don’t frequent so they you don’t create negative associations. He also just needs some fresh air.  
  
They settle down on a bench near the river, Charlie idly thinks that this is the same spot he got arrested in months ago, although it feels like years have passed since then.  
  
“I love you.”  
  
“Love you too, Zee.”  
  
“I got a call this morning. Unfortunately your biological dad passed away.” Zee’s searching for a reaction but Charlie’s face is largely unreadable, so he continues. “I’m sorry, baby. I know it’s hard. The wake is on Tuesday and I’ll take you if you want, but you don’t need to feel pressured to go.”  
  
Charlie starts to cry softly so Zee hugs him, pets his hair a bit. He doesn’t actually know when they would have last seen each other. He was somewhat in the picture until Charlie was about 13, then kind of dropped off the radar.  
  
“I want to go.” Charlie manages out through the tears. “To the wake. I wanna say bye.”  
  
“Ok, we’ll go.”  
  
“Who told you he died?”  
  
Zee sighs. “Your mother.”  
  
Charlie closes his eyes tightly, hating the thought of the two of them talking. Zee’s everything positive and loving in his life; his mom the opposite. It almost doesn’t seem like they live in the same universe. And he’s certain his mom called Zee something awful; it’s kind of her thing.  
  
“Did she say how?”  
  
“No, honey.” Zee’s rubbing Charlie’s back, hoping that this doesn’t have to create a crack in the younger man’s world.  
  
“Will she be there?”  
  
“I think so. But so will I, and I’ll make sure you have your moment with your dad.”  
  
Charlie keeps crying for a bit before getting up and pulling Zee back towards home.

֍

Zee’s on edge all night, although he tries not to show it. He gets Charlie to text his boss about missing work Tuesday, Googles info about the wake time and location. He even gets Charlie some ice cream unprompted, delivering it to him while he’s playing a video game.  
  
Charlie smiles. “Thanks, dad.”  
  
Zee rolls his eyes at the name but decides to let it slide for now. Sometimes Charlie calls him that randomly to push his buttons, sometimes when Zee is fussing over him too much. At least he’s not visibly upset anymore.  
  
“Feed me?” Charlie looks up at the older man quickly, adding a “please?” And Zee knows he’s already fucked.  
  
He sighs, sits down next to Charlie who’s resumed playing. Zee takes a long look at him, laughing a bit when he realizes for the hundredth time how helpless he is when it comes to Charlie. He’d do just about anything for him- and has. Meanwhile Charlie’s oblivious, locked into his game.  
  
“I’ll feed you, but you have to stop the game.”  
  
Charlie does as he’s told, turning to face Zee. The older man leans forward with a spoon and Charlie takes the bite, not breaking eye contact. He feels a deep blush spread across his cheeks at the sudden intimacy of the moment. He’s pulled back into reality a bit, remembering where they have to go on Tuesday, the fact that he’s going to have to see some of his family.  
  
Usually thoughts like this would send him spiraling but he tries to center himself, focus on the current moment. He’s still locked eyes with Zee so he looks deeper, tries to see every detail and fleck of color in the older man’s eyes, the little wrinkles around them.  
  
He sighs, having averted a panic attack but still feeling drained and depressed about the whole thing. He thinks back when he was really young and his dad would take him on hikes, mostly to get away from his mom. Those moments were quiet and special, just the two of them. After the divorce, though, his dad was in the picture less and less until he eventually decided that it would be easier not to see his family at all.

Suddenly he remembers his older brother, who was even closer with their dad. They haven’t seen each other in years. Will he see him at the wake? What’s he supposed to say to all these family members that seem more like acquaintances now?

Charlie realizes he’s been staring off into the distance now for god knows how long, having broken eye contact with Zee at some point, the older man still holding the bowl of now melting ice cream. “I’m okay.” Charlie’s fairly confident in his statement, taking the bowl from Zee and continuing to eat. “Ice cream soup.” He says flatly, stirring it around. They both laugh, Zee amazed at how Charlie pulled himself back to reality like that. It was almost like he could actually see the crack form, then Charlie thinking of every way he could fix it. For once Zee didn’t have to do it himself.

֍

The morning of the wake comes quickly and Charlie’s stomach is in knots. He spends about an hour fixing his hair, fussing over his clothes, crying. He wants to look clean and healthy, a goal made difficult by the persistent scars on his arms and face; not to mention his poorly done street tattoos poking out from his shirt collar. He says as much to Zee through his tears, half out of one outfit and half in another.

Zee laughs. “You look like a completely different person than you did six months ago, Charlie. You do look healthy.

Charlie concedes a small smile, looking over his shoulder. “Do I look fuckable?”

“Yes,” Zee gives him that with another laugh, glad to have the mood lightened a bit. “Let’s go.”

֍

Charlie chugs half a bottle of Pepto on the car ride, trying to will his stomach to stop churning. Something about knowing he’s closing in on his mom’s location does that to him.

He grabs Zee’s hand as they walk in, knowing he’ll get shit for it. He’ll get shit no matter what, though, so he figures he might as well try to comfort himself as much as he can. His eyes scan the room frantically, trying to locate everyone he knows as fast as humanly possible. Maybe if he sees them first he can brace for it a little better.

His brother sees him first, though, and blindsides him with a bear hug. Charlie gives into it right away, both men holding back tears. Charlie’s never been very good at that, and breaks down just a little bit. “I missed you, Brandon. Fuck.” Charlie says when they pull apart, both noticing how the other has changed, grown up.

“You look great, asshole.” It’s harder for him to hold back tears at this point but he’s more practiced than his younger brother. He turns his attention to Zee, sizing him up. He knows Zee’s much older than his younger brother but he never looks it, never has. “You still put up with this guy?” He asks, gesturing to his brother, and Charlie blushes a bit.

“Of course. Always will.” Zee’s smiling, still keeping an eye on the room. They hug, and Brandon whispers an almost inaudible “thank you” to the older man, but Zee gets the message.

From there they greet some more distant relatives, most of them commenting on how good Charlie looks. Until they see Charlie’s mother Zee would almost say it’s going well. Then she loudly enters the room, wine glass in hand. At least she didn’t bring her husband. Still, Charlie’s face drops and he swallows hard. He has a fear in his eyes that makes Zee nauseous.

“Charlie, I’m sorry she’s here, but we’re here to say bye to dad. It’s okay; we won’t let anything bad happen.” Brandon’s hugging Charlie again, noticing the younger man is shaking. “Wanna come say bye?” Brandon asks, gesturing to the table where some photos of their dad are displayed. Charlie nods.

Both men escort him across the room, making sure to stay close. He cries at the table, incredibly overwhelmed. He sees pictures of Brandon and himself with their dad; fishing, hiking, playing games. He knows it was his dad’s choice to leave but he still doesn’t understand why. Now, he realizes, he never will.

“How’d he die?” He asks no one in particular, still shaking. Brandon looks at Zee with wide eyes, shaking his head. Brandon and Zee both know he committed suicide, but that answer isn’t really an option given Charlie’s current state. “I don’t know.” Both older men answer almost in unison, hoping Charlie doesn’t prod more.

Zee suddenly feels a heavy hand on his shoulder, clenching his jaw before turning around to see her. “Hannah.” His voice is tight, but he doesn’t want to be a total dick. Not right off the bat, at least.

“Zee. Let me see my sons.” She pushes him aside a bit, Charlie turning around to see her as well. Tears are still in his eyes, and Brandon’s holding him close.

She reaches out for a hug and Charlie accepts, however reluctantly. She hugs Brandon too, and for a second Charlie imagines what it would be like to have a normal, loving family. He glances at Zee, thinks maybe it’s still possible, someday.

“You look…good.” Her voice sounds strained, like it’s hard for her to even push a compliment past her lips. Charlie just nods, a bit too timid to do much else.

“He looks great, mom. He’s doing great.” Brandon slings an arm around his brother’s shoulders, squeezing him for reassurance. Hannah looks a bit lost. In the past it was so easy for her to pick apart Charlie’s flaws, tell him how shitty he looked, how much of a druggy disappointment he was. Now he looks put together and has backup, so she has to dig a bit deeper.

“No thanks to the pervert.” She gestures back at Zee, who’s somewhat mentally checked out so that he doesn’t lose it. He figures murdering Charlie’s mother in front of him wouldn’t be good for anyone. At least that’s what he keeps repeating to himself.

Charlie glares at her and breathes deep, holding off his own murderous urges. “He saved my life.” Is what he chooses as his reply, mostly directed at the older man himself. Zee smiles and Hannah looks between them to fake a gag. It’s mostly ignored and she slinks away, scanning the room for her next victim.

Zee slots into Charlie’s other side and the three men go back to looking at the pictures on display, Charlie and Brandon recalling some of the different adventures they’d go on with their dad.

֍

The three of them decide to go to lunch afterwards and the fresh air on the walk makes Charlie a little nauseated. He’s in his head as Zee and Brandon chat, noticing a rough looking homeless guy asleep next to a stairwell. He feels out of place in his new suit, like he’s playing pretend and someone’s about to call him out for it. He starts to count his steps, count how many syllables are in the sentences that Zee and Brandon say to each other, bite his lips until they’re raw. He’s still not fully there when Zee ushers him into the restaurant, floating somewhere between being an observer and participant.

“Charlie, hey.” Zee’s voice is soft and Charlie realizes they’re sitting at a sunny table by the window. Zee’s thumb is stroking his cheek which gently brings him back into reality. They smile at each other and although he’s embarrassed, Charlie’s grateful for the gesture.

As lunch goes on Brandon starts to worry about Charlie less and laugh more. This is the Brandon Charlie remembers from when they were kids; goofy and loud, doing anything he can to get a smile from his younger brother.

Brandon reminds him of the time they played an extreme game of “the floor is lava” and made it all the way across the house, all the time they spent perfecting that one chocolate chip cookie recipe, how he let Charlie drive when he was ten and he almost crashed Brandon’s car. When they laugh Charlie feels more present than ever.

֍

Charlie’s beyond exhausted when they get home and it isn’t even 3 o’clock yet. But, he thinks, he did it. He survived the wake, seeing his mom, being around all those people. He even got to laugh with his brother. He’s in the entry way with Zee, both getting their ties and shoes off. He stops and stares at the older man for a while, looks around their apartment, thinks of when he first moved in 6 years ago. How Zee hasn’t stopped loving him for a second, even when any normal human would have. Everyone else did, except Zee.

“Zee?”

He stops getting his shoes off and looks at Charlie, smiles.

“Do you wanna get married?”

Zee’s eyes go wide, sure he heard Charlie wrong. “What, baby?”

“You’re my person, I don’t want anyone else. You’re already tattooed on me, I think a ring would be cool too.”

Zee smiles again and looks into Charlie’s eyes for a while, an evaluative look that usually makes Charlie feel somewhat exposed. He tries to be transparent anyway, confident behind his words.

“You’re serious, aren’t you?” Zee asks, somewhat stunned. Charlie nods. Zee thinks about his weakness for Charlie, how he should choose his reply carefully. It comes out instinctually, though, like when they first said “I love you”.

“Of course, of course, of course I do.” Zee repeats himself a few more times while moving to hug Charlie and pull him extra close. “Sweet boy, you’re my person, too. Always knew that. Always.”

**Author's Note:**

> Playlist:  
> Lua - Bright Eyes  
> Make a Plan to Love Me - Bright Eyes  
> I’ll Be A Sky - Tallest Man on Earth  
> Snaggletooth - Vance Joy  
> When You’re Smiling and Astride Me - Father John Misty  
> To The Bone - Bombay Bicycle Club  
> Threes - The Format  
> 00000 Million - Bon Iver  
> I Am The Antichrist To You - Kishi Bashi  
> Old Pine - Ben Howard  
> Such Great Heights - Iron & WIne  
> Welcome Home, Son - Radical Face  
> Entry Way Song - Bright Eyes


End file.
